I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.