I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.