A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
When you think about it, attention-deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.